There was a mouse in my motel room last night, evidenced by little pellets near the mini fridge. It apparently drank all of the little liquor bottles that were in there. I hope it enjoyed the sweet, cheap taste of Southern Comfort, because the clerk wouldn’t believe me, and I had to pay four times their value.

There were also pellets near the tv, where it had thrown the remote control clear through the screen. I am a very sound sleeper, by the way. Once again, this immature party-like behavior better have been worth several hundred dollars. Even with the evidence right there on the floor, the clerk insisted that I was lying.

I know this is sounding redundant, but I also found pellets in the bathroom. They were just behind the commode, amongst the shattered pieces of the tank lid. The water was black. I don’t even want to know what that squeaky ball of chaos was doing there, but it certainly cost a lot to fix. Where does that clerk think those pellets came from if not a mouse?

Anyway, all these charges just recently went through, and that must be why my card was declined. You’ve got to sympathize with me, right? A man can’t drive if he can’t get gas. And I’m trying to get home to my wife, you know? That’s why I need the Red Bulls. Plan on driving through the night and into the morning, when I’ll eat these donuts. So can you just let this one slide one time for a man in need? And are those Pall Malls fifty cents off? Could you spot me for ’em?

Oh, and I think there was a rabbit in your beer cooler. Just a heads up.

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